Long, but necessary...

I don't generally post much on the topic of marriage but I was doing my normal blog walking and came across another person's blog and I couldn't help but steal her topic as she says everything I thought about when I got engaged for the first time. I said a "Yes" a little too quickly the first time I got engaged, thinking it was what I was supposed to say. Then I stopped, took a look at my life and asked myself is this really what I want? Is this the person I am going to spend forever with?"....the answer was NO and though it was terribly diffcult I realized that sometimes the hardest things you do in life are the very things that can ultimately set you free and lead you to your dreams, the ones you were always meant to find. I found my perfect match and perhaps the only thing I might regret is actually marrying him...not because I don't love him, or that we aren't soulmates, or that I'm afraid of commitment....it's just that in a world where so many people settle for less than their ideal partner,  their sometimes hollow marriages almost taint what me and my husband cherish. So with that...The following was not in fact written by me, but a fellow blogger that I admire greatly....

 
"So, you think you love him/her. You think "this is the one." Really, now..... Well, congratulations......for right this second.

 

Sure, the bling is nice. The thought of being queen for a day at your wedding is enticing. New house. Kids. Happily ever after. It sounds like a fairy tale. Exactly. Fairy tales aren't real. Not then. Not now.

 

When you say yes, or better, before you say yes.....look at this person. Examine this person, inside and out. Flaws -- they'll stay. Bad habits. Yep, those have a tendency to stick, too. Respectfulness, maturity, honesty, integrity........what is today, will be. Sure, there can be adjustments along the way but remember this..... Once a person shows you who he/she is, believe them.

 

It's as simple as that. Pay attention to the immediate feeling you have when the question is popped. Is it fear? Dread? Doubt? Be honest with yourself. Be really honest.....Go on. Be selfish. What is it that is keeping this from, so far, being the best damn moment of your life?

Because if it's not, wait. Stop. Don't do it. Trust your gut. Are you done looking? Have you sampled every fish in the sea? Do you love this person so much, inside and out, that you would lay down your life for them? Let's get even darker here....... if this person left you, outside of the nuisances of finances and legal hassles, how sad and alone would you really feel? Do you already feel alone? Remember, just because you're married doesn't mean you're not lonely. Actually, you can be more lonely married....than alone. Ask about 50 percent of the married population. Sure, maybe he/she is "beside" you in this life, but are they truly WITH you.....tangled up....in love.

 

Ah yes, love.......... You can love a puppy. Love a nice glass of wine. Love a trip to Italy. Love a new pair of shoes. Is the love you have for this person so great, that at times, you can actually feel it well up inside you?

 

Ok, here's another one. Do you intentionally avoid romantic movies because they make you think too much about what you're missing? Have you made your way over to talk radio because frankly, listening to love songs takes you back to a place you long for? When you've had one too many, does your mind wander to a time when you felt you had a red carpet at your feet--where anything was possible. Do you think  more and more of the one who got away?

 

Hugs. Do you hug him or her every chance you get? Is it a forced hug, or does it come natural several times a day? Are you always the initiator of affection? Same thing with the I love you's. Remember how often you said it when you were dating? What's changed? What's the difference?

 

The dumb stuff. Laundry, chores, bills.......do your fights come down to this? Is the way you started off in the beginning--where you were in the bubble and could hardly contain yourself--a distant memory?

 

Does he/she still ignite that spark? Every now and then do you say to yourself, "wow, he/she is really good looking. I'm lucky." Or do you stare at him/her with sheer disgust as he/she stands in the middle of the kitchen, eating Jiff peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon.

Have you lost "your voice" -- your opinions, thoughts, values -- simply because it takes too much effort to fight about it, and you know what the end result will be anyway?

 

When it comes down to it, are you doing everything a single person or single parent would do anyway? Is he/she just "another thing to deal with?" How did it get that way?

 

Let's go even further.......if you pull him/her on the dance floor in an almost-empty bar as the piano player happens to be playing the song you danced to at your wedding.......what does he/she do? Smile, pull you in, and dance like no one is watching? Or does he/she walk away and say it's too embarrassing and that "everyone" is staring? Clearly, what is more important to this person?

 

Now further. It's your anniversary. In a day and age where divorce reigns supreme............ He/she asks what you want to do. So you plan it--a restaurant you frequented during the early dating days and a stroll through a community carnival where you can be kids again, even just for a few hours. Maybe steal a kiss on the ferris wheel. After some wine and pasta, your partner decides he/she just isn't up for it. Whose vote wins here? Why did he/she bother to ask what you wanted to do for your anniversary, anyway?

 

Now let's look at his/her family? Do they drive you nuts now? Is something not quite right? Pay attention. That won't change. How it is today is how it will be later on. There will be improvements here and there, but it is what it is. Pay CLOSE attention.

Who IS this person that you are planning to spend the rest of your life with? Examine him/her closely -- likes, dislikes, quirks, positives, negatives, religion, politics, friends, goals, hobbies, how he/she treats your family and their parents, and how he/she treats you--always. What happens when you cry? Be honest.

 

Listen up. Pay attention. To everything. Morals. Values. Words. Actions. What you see now, is what you will get later. A marriage certificate won't change it...

 

Find someone who makes you feel good about who you are. Make him/her feel good about who they are in return. Take the word "cherish" from the vows very seriously......love happens but cherish.....that is a true action. Show him or her in even the smallest ways. Leave a note. Send flowers. Do a household chore without expecting a parade in return. Cook dinner, even if it's not your thing. Visit his/her family with him/her without one single complaint. Listen without lecture. Compliment. Appreciate. Cherish. Let him/her pick the movie. Dance if he/she wants to--even if you feel silly. Hug a lot without expecting that hug to go anywhere."

 

Ironically (or maybe not since I forget what the definition of ironic is), my horoscope yesterday offered the best advice I ever could to end this post...
Being kind and accommodating is one thing, but being a doormat is quite another. You're going to have to find the fine line between being flexible and bending over too far backwards -- and stay on the correct side of it. You must avoid setting a dangerous precedent of letting yourself be taken advantage of. Just because someone has a louder voice than you does not mean that she or he has a stronger will. Stand your ground and demand cooperation.